spiritof76

On Friday we'll be having a visit from the NHS trust, begging us to take a job with them when we fail qualify in six months time.

Those about to qualify as RGNs rather than RMNs will be directed here.



I've had a brief look at the list of vacancies available. Here's a sneak preview of my options.

Acute Inpatient
Our trust is currently recruiting for a Band 5 RMN who's decided they don't like talking to patients after all, and would rather just be an office monkey. Key skills include doing cool trick shots off the ward pool table, rolling a ciggie while simultaneously talking on the phone to the consultant, and the ability to say "I'll be with you in a minute" without making it sound too much like a bare-faced lie. Our recent adoption of the Care Programme Approach will provide you with vast reams of paperwork to fill out, thus sparing you the horror of ever having to interact with filthy unwashed patients.

Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit
We have a vacancy for a built-like-a-brick-shithouse rugby player. Our client group will give you the unique opportunity to be a CIA agent, somebody's dead Auntie Doris and the Voice of Lucifer simultaneously.

Elderly Mentally Infirm
Are you unencumbered by professional self-esteem? Are you happy to work in a job where RGNs will tell you that mental health nursing is "not proper nursing" and RMNs tell you that EMI nursing is "not proper mental health nursing" while both ignore the fact that you do the work of an RGN and an RMN combined? This role will also provide excellent opportunities to be covered with body fluids from every conceivable orifice. You will be required to have an in-depth knowledge of manual handling regulations, so you can flout them on a daily basis.

Community Mental Health Team
In this post, you will work with people who have stared into the very abyss of despair. People who's lives have no meaning, and have nothing the but the hell of the past, the futility of the present, and the yawning horror of the future. Your role will be to prevent these poor, benighted souls from finally giving up completely and ending it all. These pitiful wretches are otherwise known as social workers.

As part of the selection process, you will be required to drink a cup of tea from a mug caked in thick layers of tannin and grease, in the home of somebody who hasn't washed or tidied their house for six months, and look like you're enjoying the tea. You may wish to demonstrate additional skills in discretely tipping the tea into a plant pot while the client is out of the room.

Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services
Our CAMHS team has a number of vacancies for dynamic individuals with a detailed knowledge of emo, goth and mosher bands. This post offers unrivalled opportunities to work with parents who want to blame their poor parenting on ADHD, and adolescents so mentally disordered that they think My Chemical Romance are actually challenging.

More experienced individuals may wish to apply for the following roles.

Aspergers Syndrome Nurse Practitioner
To apply for this post, please fill in the form leaving a margin of exactly 1.32cm around each paragraph, and attach a voluminous collection of railway timetables to the application form. The application should be delivered to the main reception desk between 2.30pm and 2.31pm, while avoiding walking on any of the cracks in the floor tiling.

Clinical Nurse Specialist in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
To apply, please complete a

Drug and Alcohol Services
Our drugs and alcohol team requires an RMN with an extensive collection of psychedelia, reggae and stoner rock CDs. Dress code requires staff to dress in tie-dye, kaftan and beads, like a STINKING DIRTY HIPPY! I mean honestly, the 60s were over 37 years ago! Have you really not got over it yet, you filthy hippy? Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix are dead! Got that? Dead! Fucking hippy! Car driver required.